“Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.” (Song of Solomon 2:15 NKJV)
“Do not quench the Spirit.” (1 Thesssalonians 5:19)
“But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep? When will you wake up? A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest-then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.” (Proverbs 6:9-11 NLT)
The initial 30 days of “firsts” were probably the most intense, as I started through this journey of “12 months of firsts.” Daddy was teaching me how to live in this new season of life where everything seemed so drastically different. Moment by moment He was turning sadness into happiness, sorrow into joy, loss into gain, and the absence of Melody into a greater presence of Himself. I was gettimg into the groove, and starting to cruise through each day with Him right there with me. Things started to become somewhat “normal” in my new life situation. From January to July everything was coming together just fine. Then it happened. My next “first.”
July 12, 2022. This would have been Melody’s 60th birthday. I woke up that morning and the first thought in my mind was, “This is Melody’s birthday. I want to do something today that she would have enjoyed doing on her birthday.” Without hesitation, it hit me, “I should go to to the Casino. Melody would love to go there today and play her favorite slots”. If you knew Melody, then you knew that she loved games. She loved video games. She loved interactive games on her phone. And she truly enjoyed playing penny slots that were filled with leprecauns, unicorns, and all kinds of similar images. While we hadn’t gone to a Casino in quite some time, there was about a 2 year period when we were receiving free one and two night stay offers on a regular basis from a number of Midwest Casinos.
During that season of our lives we spent at least 3 or 4 nights a month traveling to very nice Casino Resorts at no charge (of course we spent money driving there and “playing games”). In between trips we would frequent the local Casino just down the highway. Melody viewed the slot machines as video games, and while it was a thrill to actually win some money from time to time, she was the only one I knew who was not going to the Casino to “gamble.” She knew exactly what she could afford to spend on a recreational activity and approached the Casino trips with the same financial mindset as she would in picking which restaurant to go to, or what amusement activity fit within our budget. Me, not so much. I went there to indulge my flesh (a little background will help in understanding the significance of July 12, 2022).
At a point when I had given up on ever fulfilling the call and assignments that Daddy had given me in life I decided to just live a “good life”, and “blend in” with my surroundings. Things which tripped me up earlier in life once again became attractive, so I brought alcohol and tobacco back into my life. I would join my adult son from time to time for a “boys night out” in which I would try to be “21” again (I think you know what I mean). My lifestyle was beginning to create friction in my marriaige as Melody did not want any part of going in this direction. I decided that I needed to find a place where the two of us could share “fun outings” in which we could be together, yet seperate (you can probably see where this is heading). Knowing how much Melody loved games, and looking for a place where I could “indulge” in my reclaimed vices, I introduced Melody to the idea of going to the Casino (it didn’t hurt my cause that her mom was an avid slots lover). In no time at all we were both enjoying ourselves in a place where we could play together, yet apart. It was a blast, until it wasn’t.
After a while we realized that we were spending far more than we were getting “free” (Melody was staying within budget on her “games”, but I was getting out of control with my expenditures on drink, food, smokes and “gambling”). When Melody woke up to how much money I was throwing away, and how much this was hurting my walk with the Lord (you see, Melody was consistent in her relationshiop with Jesus and took Him everywhere she went. If she felt that He was displeased, or dissaproved, she didn’t do it. Me, on the other hand, I was double minded and tried to hide from, or deny, what I knew to be true in my heart) she knew we needed to slow down. While Melody could live with or without this as a recreational outing, we both kinew that I needed to cut out all Casino participation completely. So we decided to spend our recreational dollars elsewhere. back to July 12, 2022.
Down deep I knew that my thought did not come from Daddy, but I quickly “quenched” the thought that this might be a bad idea. Later in the day I decided to call my daughter to see if she wanted to do something with me for Melody’s birthday. Before I had opportunity to make a suggestion as to what we might do, she asked me, “Do you want to go to the Casino? We could play Mom’s favorite games?” Of course my answer was, “I’m in. I’ll be right over.” She had no idea that her Mom and I had decided not to go there, and I was in total denial, having blocked that part of our history out of my mind. So, in memory of Melody, off to play “games” we went. It was deja vu. I was once again using my wife to indulge my “flesh”, only this time it was with my daughter who (like her mother) didn’t have my issues. We had a fun time. Just like the times with Melody, there was a lot of good time and positive relationship building on the sureface, but deep within me I was once again letting the enemy create a stronghold. After a couple of hours of laughter, and a few tears of remembering, we ended our birthday celebration and went to our seperate homes. My daughter woke up the next day with nothing changed in her life, except maybe a couple of new positive memories to look back on one day. I woke up the next day changed on the inside. Choosing to “celebrate Melody” in a setting that I knew we had decided was compromise for me “broke” something inside.
Over the next 4 weeks I went back to the Casino 2 or 3 times alone. Only this time I drank a few drinks, smoked a few smokes, ate a bit more food, and spent a bit more money on “gambling”. In between the visits to the Casino, without thinking about it, I started making more trips to Speedway for Little Debbie snack cakes and Mountain dew. I started making Papa Murphies a regular stop to bring home a large stuffed all meat pizza and breadsticks (at least I didn’t bring drinking or smoking home with me). I increased my daily TV time as I sat in my chair with my Kitties, binging on shows that Melody and I watched together back in the day (NCIS, Black List, Person of Interest, etc.), pizza, snack cakes, and pop. Then I would move from my chair to my bed and sleep until it was time to get up and do the same again. In this “broken” condition (in which I was still feeling no grief or sorrow as I had been delivered from them) I came to my next “First”.
We will talk about it next time.