“When he came to himself…I will arise and go to my father…” (Luke 15:17-18 NKJV excerpts)
“But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the LORD…” (Jonah 1:3 NLT abbreviated)
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.” (Psalm 139:7-8 NKJV)
We became members of Resurrection Life Church in Grandville, Michigan in 1994. I was taking what I thought would be a two year “pause” from full time ministry in order to “firm up” my understanding of the new direction that the Lord was taking me. After two years had come and gone it appeared that my timing was not the Lord’s timing. As a matter of fact, what I thought would be two years turned into 30 years (1994 – 2014) of wandering in the wilderness without any clear direction or purpose. While there were many wonderful things that took place during these years in our family (which I will share in the future when we look at the “half full” aspects of life), my personal life and ministry was becoming a mess. The path that I was following did not leave me in a good place.
Over time, when doors for ministry simply would not open, my life became a cyclical pattern of moving from one job, or business venture, to another every 2 – 3 years. None of these ventures ended well.The pattern was to start something new, have a year or so of success (business growth or job promotion) and then have it end abruptly (business failure/bankruptcy or job termination). I was getting more depressed, and further from my desire to serve the Lord, with each cycle. Along the way I started drinking and smoking again, and in order to keep from letting these habits get out of control I substituted overeating as a method of gaining “comfort.” Each cycle was like shooting arrows at a target only to get farther and farther from the bullseye with each shot. Finally missing the target all together.
On December 14, 2014 I was let go from my position as the Plant Supervisor of an assembly operation. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I was ready to give in and give up. I wish I could say that my relationship with my Savior kept me going, but to be honest we were not talking a whole lot at this point. It was actually the unwavering unconditional love of my wife (who was demonstrating the love of Jesus) that kept me going. I gave selling insurance a shot in 2015, but between my growing depression, and worsening health due to morbid obesity (I was closing in on 400 pounds of “grade A pure fat”) I did not make a success of this venture either. In 2016 my knees had been destroyed to such a degree by arthritis that I had total knee replacement surgery on both of them. With all that was happening, I also added anxiety attacks to my list of issues. I ended 2017 working a part time job as a cashier in a Dollar Store due to the inability to handle working more than about 4 hours per day. I was on medication for high blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, and anxiety and in worse physical condition than my dad who was 33 years older than me.
January of 2018 the Lord woke me up to the fact that for over 30 years I had been living much like Jonah going in the opposite direction of where He had originally directed me to go. With every “failed” venture I would take another step in the wrong direction. He had been with me all along patiently waiting for me to stop running from Him and start running to Him. Are you ready for some good reports? Join me tomorrow as we move out of this “half empty” story into a story of overflowing life!