“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12 NLT)
“Wine produces mockers; alcohol leads to brawls. Those led astray by drink cannot be wise. ” (Proverbs 20:1 NLT)
“When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself…I will go home to my father…” (Luke 15: 17-18 NLT abbreviated)
So there I was back in 1980 with no desire to live like I was living at the moment, no real expectation of things getting better, and no plan for changing my situation. I had developed a friendship with a couple of guys I worked with who were both a few years older than me. They had established a lifestyle that could best be described as “functioning alcoholics.” We carpooled to work each day. Our typical day consisted of having a couple of “hair of the dog” drinks on the way to work to take the edge off of the hangover from the night before. Then a couple more “pick me up” drinks at lunch break. Finally the work day ended and we would head to our table at the “corner bar” to meet with their wives for our nightly card game and “liquid dinner.” We would play until about midnight unless it was Friday. On Fridays there was a band so we would ditch the cards and drink and dance until the bar closed at 2 am then head to one of their homes to finish the night (more drinking, pizza, cards, etc.). This was my life for about a year until one of my friends and his wife decided they needed a change of scenery.
I remember the 3 of us sitting at our table complaining about how routine our lives had become and joking about walking out of the bar and heading somewhere, anywhere. We had the same discussion each night for about a week when we looked at each other and proclaimed together, “Let’s do it!” One week later I had sold my car for “moving money” and we were ready to go. We also took my other friend’s wife with us as she had asked me to “rescue” her (that is a story for another day). Moving day had come. The 4 of us packed into one car. Each one brought only what he or she felt were essentials leaving all else behind to head to Dallas and a “new life.” I brought a suitcase, trombone, and small box of awards/trophies that were important to me.
I arrived in Dallas with my friends with a foreboding sense that this “new life” was actually a new version of the “old life,” but at this point it was too late to turn back. We rented an empty apartment (no furniture or amenities) and moved in with only what we had brought with us. We immediately started a ” new” routine. We would get up, head to the “paid daily” temp service, go to our work assignment, get paid, close the bar, go crash on the floor of our empty apartment, then repeat. Our “new life” was simply a new location for a new version of our “old life.” After about 30 days of this my life experience had become more than I could handle. One particular night I told the group that I needed to go back to the apartment after work, so I dropped them off at the bar and drove back to the apartment. It was my intention to escape this dead end life that we had chosen. I was spiritually empty, mentally stressed beyond my ability to cope, and emotionally depressed to the point that I could not live this way any more.
I sat in the middle of the empty apartment with nothing except a fifth of Rum and a large bottle of maximum strength pain killers. I wanted to end the pain. I was hoping that if I downed both bottles I would fall into a sleep from which I would not awaken. As quickly as possible (before I had a chance to change my mind) I emptied both bottles and laid down to allow them to do their thing. My body immediately rejected what I had just swallowed and violently vomited all of the contents of my stomach stopping my body from absorbing any of the “poison” that I had subjected it to. This escape plan failed. Now what should I do? At that moment I remembered the story of the prodigal son and decided to go home. To do this I decided to do one more “wrong” thing in order to accomplish what I thought was the “right” thing (I am now convinced that “it is never right to do wrong in order to do what is right”). I grabbed my stuff, loaded up the car, (which I was “borrowing”) and headed back to Michigan. My roommates were sitting in the bar where I left them waiting for my return as I was zooming back home. I was well on my way when all of a sudden smoke started rolling out from the front of the car. A few “chugs” and then the engine stopped leaving me stranded on the side of the highway just outside of Oklahoma City. To cut to the chase, I called my brother who sent me money for a bus ride back to Michigan (perhaps I will fill in the gaps at a later date). Once back in Michigan I moved back in with my parents, got a job, and tucked the details of all of this deep within myself in order to “move on” with life.
More to come…